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"There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one!"
--Jill Churchill
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| Fara's Page: Pregnancy Jokes, Stories and Cartoons |
| The Fine Print of Living the Fairy Tale |
Nine months and waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....
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| Stories from a stay-at-home mother of four! |
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Last July, when the sun beat down as we frolicked poolside during the days and grilled dinner in the evenings, my pregnancy test turned out positive. My husband and I joyfully announced that we would be expecting our fourth child soon, and everyone eagerly congratulated us. I had forgotten how slow "soon" can be. Our family has since celebrated everthing from Independence Day to Easter. It's been a while; and, frankly, I need "soon" to be "now".
Sentimentally speaking, it's incredibly exciting to be meeting our new baby...and we are anxious to cuddle her...and the equipment is all unpacked and assembled...and there's just so many times the tiny clothes can be refolded.
But really-
The lifestyle with an infant of averaging seven hours of sleep (...weekly), being readily armed 24/7 to clean a nasty bum, and having my sore breasts fully-loaded upon demand sounds pretty good compared to how I'm feeling now.
Here is my list of No. 1 Pregnancy Enemies:
 Swelling you call it? I haven't seen my ankles since October, though I am told they're still in there somewhere. My wedding bands were removed around New Year's with the aid of more butter than they use in a batch of Krispy Kremes.
I read a recent study that the woman's spine is wondrously designed to support her blossoming belly during pregnancy. Mine has been screaming "I SURRENDER" since the second trimester. I never stray more than ten feet from my heating pad, and I don't care if it matches my shoes when going out.
Being my fourth pregnancy, these veteran hips widened as soon as my EPT plus sign became visible. Approaching standard-width doorways is now scary; downright life-threatening when toting a full laundry basket. I'm not so vain that I cannot handle this, but I have a sciatic nerve in my hip holding me hostage. It's falling flat on my face when I get out of the car that's embarrassing.
Going to bed at night is not an option for many reasons...mainly because my husband kicked me out. Seems to me, an extra 30 pounds resting on a pair of lungs would make anyone snore like that. Plus, I didn't realize the human body could produce so much acid reflux without disintegrating. I now have an economy-sized bottle of Tums in my purse, where once was an emergency tampon and lipstick. And more good news: pregnancy can cause carpel tunnel syndrome! I don't know if it is a circulation problem or what, but 40% of the time I spend swinging my arms like a gorilla and shaking my hands like a tambourine virtuoso, just to make sure they're still operational. So, now I share the living room recliner at night with the dog.
Friends and family, who were once excited cheerleaders, are now inpatient bullies telling me all of the tricks they have heard to "get it over with already". Walking, castor oil, nipple stimulation, sex.... have you people not been paying attention? One needs teamwork with one's hips to walk; oil of any name, castor or otherwise, gives my esophagus pause; I have no fine motor dexterity to manipulate anything nipple-like, the best I can do is bat at a tetherball; and, like I said, the bed is off limits.
Finally, the doctor's office has become the place "where everybody knows your name". If one more person wants to check my cervix, I swear I am going to charge admission.
It's almost over...by nature and all documented Guiness Records, it has to be. I know that once I hold my baby, or at least by the time I make her first gymnastics payment, I'll forget all of the aches and pains of producing this miracle. It will have all been worthwhile. Someday she will tickle me with something cute she says, instead of jabbing me in-between my ribs with her foot.
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| Pregnancy Cartoons of the Month: |
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Enjoy some of our pregnancy cartoons! Check back for new ones, we change our pregnancy cartoons every few weeks.
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Pregnancy is hard! Here are some great pregnancy jokes to help you laugh through the tears.
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If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world. |
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| Pregnancy Jokes |
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| A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.
The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl !" The lady said thankfully, "Oh, I must name them." But the nurse said, "You have been unconscious, so we called your brother and he has named them!"
The lady cried, "But he is as dumb as a box of rocks! So what did he name them?!?"
The nurse reassured her and said, "The girl is called 'Denise'". The woman replied, "Well, that is a pretty name, so what did he name my son?"
The nurse reluctantly replied, "Denephew".
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